I’ve sat in on a lot of presentations: design reviews, product pitches, budget requests, etc. Usually it’s one or two people presenting to many more. This creates an asymmetry between how it feels to provide feedback and how it feels to receive it.

Suppose you’re sitting in a design review with a dozen other senior people. Someone from another team is describing how they want to implement a new system. You think it’s mostly good, but there’s one thing that you see a problem with. Sure there are more things that could be better, but there’s one thing that’s genuinely important, and you don’t want to be a bother. So you bring up your one point, have a discussion, and then things move on. That seems healthy and manageable, right?

Now imagine that everyone else attending the design review thinks the same way you do. There are thirteen people, each of whom is bringing up one criticism. They could argue about more, but they’re being pragmatic and trying to avoid being jerks. Each one of them feels like they’ve been productive and restrained. The person on the receiving end? They just got thirteen different criticisms. It feels like being in front of a firing squad. Maybe they get overwhelmed, maybe they show it. Everyone else is confused at the reaction. That’s because because they’re not under the dog pile. They just feel their own weight. They don’t feel everyone else’s weight crushing them.

What’s the answer? Well… it’s not clear. Those thirteen questions are probably legitimate questions, even if they don’t reflect genuine and serious problems. Clearly they should be addressed. What the critics need to remember is that they’re not coming across as separate individuals with single criticisms. Even if your point is essential and productively stated, it’s going to be received negatively and as a part of barrage. That means you have to soften your criticism and really focus on assisting with the development of the solution, far more than you would in a one-on-one conversation, even if to you it feels exactly the same.